Three Men and a Safe
by Temporary Dysphoria
Summary: "Don't start sassing me when we're about to die Jigen - this is all your fault! You two and your stupid duel!" see also - the scene that should have been shown in the TV special "Seven Days Rhapsody" when they escape from an exploding building in a safe.


The flames are leaping up around them and they don't have much time. Zenigata's eyes are wide as saucers and Lupin can see the unspoken question in Jigen's eye's clear as day with no hat brim to mask them. He needs to pull something spectacular out of his ass or they're all getting ready for a one-way trip down below – quite literally.

He looks around desperately for something – anything. He catches sight of a half open safe in the corner of the room and grabs Jigen's arms. Zenigata stumbles behind him – still attached to the handcuff he'd so proudly slammed on Lupin's wrist. Jigen swears and hauls the officer to his feet, all but bodily slamming him toward the wall.

The safe is large, but it's not made for three adult males Lupin realises. He and Jigen barely manage to pull the door shut when another explosion rocks the room around them. The lock clicks and Lupin takes a moment to catch his breath. This is it – if the safe isn't heavy enough, they die. Jigen is breathing heavily beside him and he can hear Zenigata's ragged breaths somewhere behind his gunman. He grabs Jigen's hand, he's not beyond being sentimental if they're going to die after all. He can't see anything in darkness but he feels Jigen squeeze his fingers in response and that's enough. Another explosion bellows around them and Zenigata whimpers.

"Shhh Pops" Jigen grumbles when the noise settles briefly, "At least pretend you're not frightened for the sake of the kid."

Lupin hears Zenigata go from being terrified to offended in one single moment. That tell-tale deep breath before he starts chewing one of them out.

"Don't you start sassing me when we're about to die Jigen! This is all your fault! You two and your stupid duel…"

"Nooo, no, don't argue" Lupin groans into the darkness, "I don't want our last words to be…"

The whole safe moves with the force of the next explosion. Jigen's grip on Lupin's hand is like iron. Lupin grabs the tattered Borsalino from inside his jacket with his free hand (he couldn't just leave it there – even if he was the one who'd shot it off Jigen's head in the first place) and follows the line of the gunman's arm, up to his head. He crushes the felt onto his partners head and feels more than hears the deep chuckle in gunman's chest as their world continues to rock around them.

Jigen lets go of his hand and Lupin panics. His hand moves up Lupin's arm, past his neck to his face – searching in the darkness. A thumb rubs gently against his bottom lip – an action that seems far too intimate for the situation they're currently in. The thumb is replaced with lips for the briefest of moments, until Lupin drags the gunman's head back down – Zenigata be damned. Sweat is beading down Jigen's cheek and another loud crash breaks them apart. The safe moves and Jigen wraps strong arms around the thief. An even louder explosion bellows around them. Lupin feels the uncomfortable sensation of being hurtled through the air. Zenigata yells, but Lupin can barely make out what he's saying through the noise. He can hazard a thorough guess though.

They land with a thud – Lupin onto Jigen onto Zenigata. No-one moves for moment, ears still collectively ringing. Zenigata is the first to grumble, pushing the other two to the far side of the small space, muttering words Lupin can't make out just yet. Jigen still hasn't really moved and Lupin starts to panic all over again. Three men in a small confined space which isn't supposed to be able to contain humans takes on a whole new dangerous meaning. Quick fingers search the seam of the safe door – Lupin exhales heavily as he feels a small breeze at their feet.

Jigen groans loudly underneath him – the sudden noise making Zenigata's constant monologue pause mid-sentence. Lupin starts to laugh; he can't help it – now that they appear to be out of imminent danger, the full gravity of the situation they're in reaches him.

"What's so funny Lupin?" Zenigata's voice sounds warped in the small space. Lupin tries to breathe – tries to respond, but his sides hurt and he can't catch his breath.

Jigen makes a valiant attempt to move out from underneath him but he quickly realises that there's not enough room in the safe for them to stand side by side. He settles for knuckling Lupin in the stomach instead.

"We need to talk about your job choices."

That stops his laughter in its tracks, sort of. Jigen only sounds mildly annoyed – which to be fair, given that he's got a lapful of thief that he was preparing to shoot not 20 minutes earlier is pretty reasonable.

"My job choices?" it takes Lupin's brain a few more seconds than normal to sift through any incoming words, "I think we need to talk about your job choices Jigen, or more specifically your contract choices."

"Both of you have terrible job choices" Zenigata pipes in, "absolutely deplorable."

"Be quiet now Pops, this is a private domestic."

"You know, one of these days I'm actually going to shoot you?" Jigen's voice is loud in his ear, he's obviously opting to pretend that Zenigata isn't present.

"No, you won't!" Lupin is confident of that much at least, "But don't try and distract me – we still need to talk about your job choice…"

"You said free time until Saturday! It's not my fault you decided to get shacked up with the daughter of a major weapons operation…"

"Oi! I've got some class – she was sixteen, there was no shacking up involved!"

Jigen continued on as if Lupin hadn't even spoken, "…just can't keep your dick in your pants…"

"Says you!" Lupin pokes the gunman in the soft part of his stomach, "Shotgun toting ex-boyfriend turns up on the scene and you're gone without even a goodbye!"

"Wha- "Jigen sputters, "No- fuck you, it's not like that."

"Sure, it's not, and you say I can't keep it in my pants."

"I was just getting sick of you going on and on about ice – anyone in my position would have left you to your own devices after three fucking hours of that bullshi-"

"mmhmm" Lupin hums. He's won the argument and he knows it.

"Can you two kiss and make up later –" Zenigata's hand bangs on the door of the safe, "I'll get you a double cell if you want."

"I'll take a single thanks Pops," Jigen's voice is back to its usual monotone, "The wife needs some time alone."

"Hey!" Lupin tries to squint through the darkness. Jigen's deadpan humour is second to none but the key is being able to actually see his face to notice whether he's joking or not, "How come I'm the wife – if anything, you're the wife!"

"That's enough!"

There's a split second of pain and a loud 'Fuck!' from Jigen as their heads get knocked together. Lupin rubs his temple, glaring at the spot where Zenigata should be.

"That's not very nice Pops."

"You're not very nice – now get us out of here, before I decide to book you two into Prison Couple's Counselling when I take you in."

Once Lupin finds the safe mechanism it takes him all of five minutes to unlock the heavy door. He opens it slowly at first – peeking through to make sure they're not going to get engulfed in flames. The force of the explosion must have launched the safe up and out of the underground base when the last room went up in flames. Smoke is still billowing around them, but there's a distinct absence of more explosive noises. Jigen gets out first, pushing past the thief, joints cracking as he stretches himself back up to his full height, cigarette already dangling from his mouth.

He extends a hand to Lupin – pulling him out; then extends the same hand to Zenigata, who takes it warily. The gunman holds out his cigarette packet – Lupin takes one before getting to work on removing the handcuff from his wrist. Zenigata shakes his head at first – then takes one as Jigen shoves the packet further into his face.

"So," Zenigata begins, once his cigarette is lit.

Lupin shakes his arm, letting the cuff fall to the ground, "I think we're square for this one Pops."

"I suppose so," the old cop sighs, "I'll give you ten minutes once I turn around."

"That's much appreciated," Lupin says, grinning widely, "I trust you'll keep that double cell booked for us though, those single cell beds are so small…"

Zenigata looks like he's trying not to smile. He's doing a bad job at it, "yeah, yeah – get going you two, before I change my mind."

He turns around and Lupin looks towards the road. Jigen's got his eye on a vehicle already if his stance is anything to go by.

"Alright Pops, see you later!"

"Whatever – "

"Make sure you book us in for that counselling – we might still need it!"

He's not expecting the sharp slap to the ear from Jigen and the sudden pain takes him by surprise. He yelps, and the sound of Jigen's chuckle and Zenigata's laughter echoes around the ruins of the debilitated weapons base.


End file.
